Week 2… Who am I?

Me Outside of Mommy!

It’s important not to lose youself in becoming a mom, but what about when you’re already lost. How can you rediscover, you?

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me

Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

The first words of one of the greatest Disney movie songs ever. A verse that was omitted from the movie, but you can go here to hear it sung by Christina Aguilera. As I started this journey to rediscovering me, this song really resonated with me. After the recent passing of the star of the Mulan films, CoCo Lee, I’ve been listening to the soundtrack a lot. As I watched the music video for this song, I paused when Christina belted out the question “why is my reflection someone I don’t know?

 This was a question I asked myself a couple of years ago. It was winter of 2021. I had been married for 4 years and our daughter was 1 ½ years old. I reluctantly agreed to participate in Secret Santa at work, but to my surprise, the person that got my name turned out to truly an angel. Every gift she got me was right on time and helped to affirm my identity. The week of gifts started off strong on Monday with a DVD of the Preacher’s Wife! Not only is that one of my favorite movies (I love Whitney), but my husband had also delivered the sermon at church the day before, so it was fitting. Every other gift was something I loved as well, but it on Friday, the day that we give our final gift and Secret Santa Reveal, that I was moved to tear. Everyone else was opening $50 gift cards and huge gift boxes but mine was a bag the size of a wine bottle so I initially got nervous because I don’t drink and would still have to accept it, so I didn’t appear rude. When I opened the bag, inside was a purple (my favorite color) tumbler with my name on it. What moved me was that it said Ashanti. Not teacher. Not mommy. Not Mrs. Taylor, but Ashanti.

I was at that point in my life where a lot of women in my position find themselves. You’re feeling lost and your identity is wrapped up in being HIS. You have a baby and now you’re HIS or HER’S mom. Those titles are worn as badges of honor and for years they were your only desire, but there seems to come a day when that no longer feels like enough. You start to desire to be something to yourself as well. That’s where I was. I desired to carve out a piece of myself just for me. These are some of the things I considered and explored while redefining who I was.

Stop Comparing Yourself to HER!

This was the very first thing I had to do. The “HER” I was comparing myself to was….me. The person I used to be before I took on the new titles of wife and mom. I envy the amount of freedom she had before. She was able to wake up and hit the highway to Savannah just to get a $5 cup of conch. She slept till noon on the weekend and then went to the coffee shop to read a good book. She lived with her phone on silent and just checked it when she felt like being bothered.  I had to realize that we lived two different lives. That person I used to be had a lot less priorities. She could leave her off her ringer on her cell because she wasn’t a mom with a toddler in daycare. She didn’t have to worry about missing a call to alert her that her child was sick and needed to be picked up. She could leave town without notice because there was no one waiting for her to make it back home at night. She slept until noon because she was a college student that stay up all night debating scripture with her friends. She and I lived completely different lives, and I had to stop envying her.

Once I got that through my head, it became easier for me to make an attainable list of things that would help me find the new “ME”. Some of those things were, goal setting, taking a break, self-care, and making new friends (while maintaining old ones).  We’ll explore the remainder of the list in a later post but I want to know from you…

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What are somethings you did or will do to find your new normal and become a version of you that you’re happy with?